Glorious Green Goop

Well it really isn’t so much “goop” and more juice, but to most people it will appear like I am drinking some sort of algal soup.

The recipe for this green liquid is*:

2 large, organic cucumbers
4 stalks kale
4 stalks romaine
1 large broccoli stem
1 1-inch piece of ginger root

I can hear what you’re saying, “Wow, what a vile concoction. Why on earth would you drink that?”

In response to that I say, “Well, I’m glad you asked! I am currently preparing to detox.” The reason for this detox is two-fold. The first, and most important reason, is that I want to cleanse my system of toxins that naturally build up over time. The second, vainer reason is that I tried on a dress a few days ago and it was a little tight.

Now, for those of you who are just reading this blog and know nothing about me outside of what you have learned in the first few posts I will tell you something. I can be vain. I’m not kidding; I have this strange obsession with the way I look, that I can only attribute to years of ballet. Constantly being judged based on my appearance (especially my weight) gave me not only an eating disorder, but also a complex that I have carried with me even throughout medical school. To this day I stare at the scale in disbelief if I jump above what I deem the “appropriate weight.”

So now that you understand why I am drinking myself to death on what appears to be TMNT slime/swamp water/contaminated sewer drain-off, I can tell you a little more about how I am about to wage war on my insides using juice, exercise and water.

One of the first steps you have to take before embarking on any sort of detox program, is a “pre-pre prepare.” This requires you to make an appointment with your doctor or a nutritionist/dietician before deciding on what detox diet you want to try. Once you have your physicians blessing, you will need to stock up on the items that the detox/cleanse requires. Let me explain the importance of this to you with personal story…

The very first time that I tried a detox/cleanse, I went out and bought a whole week’s worth of food! I assumed that I would just use that up and then go buy more; the only problem was that now I was hungry for the bad stuff. After a week detoxing, entering the grocery store was like diving straight into Dante’s inferno. Aisle after aisle of foods I couldn’t have, processed sugars hiding in every corner, waiting for me to slip up so that they could prey on that one moment of weakness. I tried to ignore it, but I left feeling miserable and the rest of the detox was a failure. I only ended up following the detox program for 10 days out of the “prescribed” 24.

This experience showed me that, even though I may think I have will power, the cravings were ultimately too much for me to handle. I failed in spectacular fashion and ended up going on a candy fueled sugar binge, which ended in me feeling so sick that I swore off LifeSavers gummies forever. The lesson that I took from this was to prepare myself beforehand, so that temptation was not constantly staring me in the face every time I ventured to look into the refrigerator.

Now that you have “pre-pre prepared” you will need to warm your body up to the idea that it is going to be tortured for the next several weeks.

  1. Slowly remove caffeine from your diet. This means that you will have to wake-up on your own for the next 21 days. I know this sounds scary, but I have faith in you!
  2. Make sure that you are really drinking those eight (8) glasses of water every day. You are going to need to flush all that build up out when it starts to churn (believe me, it will).
  3. Cut back on the alcohol, you lush. Your hard partying ways will need to take a backseat throughout this detox program!
  4. Eliminate processed sugars and refined carbs. This means that your normal noshing will have to learn to love herbal teas and seeds instead of Fritos and Dr. Pepper.
  5. Repent your carnivorous ways, the velocirapture** demands it. In order to properly maintain this detox diet, you will need to consume no more than 3-4 ounces twice a week.
  6. Double your intake of delicious greens. (see the juice recipe above)
  7. Drop dairy and kick gluten to the curb. No more than 2-3 servings PER WEEK!

After you have kick-started your detox diet, you will have to be very strict with yourself. This particular diet that I am going to try is a little more involved than a basic cleanse and it is very difficult to “get back to normal” after you have been eating like a gazelle for 21 days. I will write-up another post that will go into more depth after I have already started the detox/cleanse. I feel like this post will be a lot to take in if you are just getting started. Besides, you need to pre-pre prepare you slacker! Get to it!

*This recipe can be found in the March 2011 issue of Natural Health (

**When this post was written, the “rapture was upon us” so any reference to the apocalypse was completely warranted at the time.


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